Maladjusted: WHO ARE THESE KIDS FOOLING?

From TODAY, Plus
Friday July 25, 2008

PHIN WONG

Tween stars are making big bucks with their wholesome images. Does anyone buy it?

IS IT just me or does everyone have a halo these days?

You’ve seen them, haven’t you? They’re not ordinary halos — they’re manufactured in China, made with small movable parts children choke on, slathered in lead paint, assembled right next door to the poison pet foods factory.

If you look a little closer at the label, it reads “Channel” — as in 5, not Coco.

These halos belong to the angelic tween stars making massive business these days.

Fifteen-year-old Miley Cyrus, along with her alter-ego Hannah Montana, has a sold-out American tour and her 3D movie set a new Super Bowl weekend record, pulling in US$29 million ($39 million).

The Jonas Brothers — Nick, Joe and Kevin — pulled in 8.9 million viewers in the United States with their Disney TV movie Camp Rock, making it the second most-watched-TV movie of all time, ahead of the original High School Musical. Their soundtrack to Camp Rock has the No 3 position on the Billboard album chart.

Miley’s been featured in Vanity Fair. She’s been on Good Morning America talking about how she’s a good role model for kids.

To mark their full crossover from kiddy pop to mainstream domination, The Jonas Brothers — with their “purity rings” that 18-year-old Joe Jonas said “promises to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure till marriage” — are on the cover of music bible Rolling Stone magazine. “The Clean Teen Machine”, shouts the headline.

Well, I call their bluff. People, have we not learnt anything from history? It wasn’t that long ago that Britney Spears promised to stay a virgin till she got married.

Lindsay Lohan started off all cleancut and wholesome. A mere five years after Freaky Friday, Lindsay now has jail time, multiple DUI-related offences, rehab, and public display of her genitals on her resume, along with what seems to be a very public same-sex romance with DJ Samantha Ronson.

You couldn’t get more squeakyclean than the dimpled Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical — until full-frontal naked pictures the starlet took of herself for her boyfriend were leaked on the Internet.

History is already beginning to repeat itself. Miley has had her MySpace account hacked into, resulting in provocative pictures of the clean tween star flashing her bra and posing in the shower being splashed on the Internet.

Already, rumours are swirling around gossip circles that two of the three Jonas boys haven’t been saving anything for marriage — except for maybe a townhouse or two. That’s after rumours of 15-year-old Nick Jonas being “friendly” with Miley (he was apparently the one she took those pictures for).

There are now reports of young Nick dating fellow Disney lass, 16-yearold Selena Gomez.

All three brothers are featured on the cover of Rolling Stone making broody come-hither faces. Either that, or they’re trying to hypnotise you into giving them your allowance.

Who wants to bet the kids are a hop, skip and click away from a sex tape?

Still, parents seem to take comfort in the fact that however manufactured their sunshine-y wholesome goodness might be, buying into these “positive role models” is still much better than exposing their kids to the mainstream reign of hip-hop, with their “pimps”, “hos” and “candy shops”.

Think again, mum.

Yes, 50 Cent and Lil Wayne make music that is sometimes violent, misogynistic and grammatically incorrect — but those guys come with a PG rating. If you’ve done a half-decent job as a parent, no kid is going to mistake gun-totting hip-hop gangsta rappers as adult-sanctioned role models.

Tween stars, on the other hand, are more insidious. They’re rated G. They’re in your homes without supervision. They’re the people your kids look up to. Let’s see you try to explain why Hannah Montana’s been arrested for driving under the influence. Oh, give it another year.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on Miley and the Jonases. After all, they’re young and they’re going to make the mistakes young people do — the fact that they’re rich and famous only makes it easier to make the same mistakes we did without getting caught by their parents.

It’s the adults who are to blame. The adults who market little girls as mini saints while dressing them in Lolitaesque off-the-shoulder tops. The adults who blindly allow their children to worship these false idols because they’re waspy white with good teeth. The adults who should know better.

This clean sweep is going to end with delicious dirt. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.